What is the basis for this assumption going around that being nicer gets people ANY further in the discourse when it comes to “calling out” -isms?
Because it doesn’t. As someone who’s constantly restraining myself in RL and online, I can tell you that bending over backwards and laboring over our word choice when we want to speak up gets us no fewer dismissals, no less derision, no more understanding. The second we bring it up, there’s nothing we can say, no way we can say it that could ever be nice enough…apart from, of course, shutting up entirely.
But at what point is it possible to be helpful enough? How many primers and essays and linkspams do you need? Because they’re out there. They are long, painstakingly written, clear, thoughtful, and show up in every single one of these “screaming” discussions to the point we are actually covering the same ground over and over again. But because sometimes people get angry, or because people aren’t being sufficiently nice to the people who hurt them, it doesn’t count?
To refuse to do the bare minimum to educate yourself and then jump into a debate to say that no one is trying to help you understand is the height of dismissiveness. Like—how dare you, actually.